Personal Notes & Country Redneck Stuff
Personal Notes & Country Redneck
Stuff
The Rules of the Country
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an
idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.
3. Let's
get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I
drive an pickup truck
because I want to. No matter how slow you drive,
you're going to get dust on
your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That's
why they smell to you. They smell
like money to us. Get over it. Don't like
it? I-40 goes east and west,
I-65 goes, north and south. Pick one.
5.
So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have
$250,000 combines that
are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in the Country waves.
It's called being
friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that
cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are
coming in, we WILL shoot it out
of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the
time.
8. Yeah, we eat Catfish, Bass, Gills, Steelhead, Walleye, Salmon,
Perch and Crappies. If You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the
corner bait shop.
9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season.
It's
a religious holiday held on the 15th of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to
all women, ,
regardless of age.
11. No, there's no "vegetarian
special" on the menu. Order
steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and
pick off the 2 pounds of ham
& turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three
main dishes:
meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt,
pepper,
and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati
call
that stuff eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring "coke"
into my house, it better be brown, wet
and served over ice. You bring "Mary
Jane" into my house, she better be
cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck,
and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important
here as
Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15.
Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water
hazards -- it spooks the
fish.
16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State
Universities , Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an
education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody
when they come for the holidays.
17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force,
and
Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the
best.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump
crap
ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want
to see
your boxers! Refer back to #1! A true Countryboy will send this to at least 10
others!!!
Bird Feeder Recipe
A few sticks of wood, and a little wood glue,
then I add a nail or two.
A little patience, and a touch of love,
plus some inspiration, from God above.
This is best done in a shed that’s been painted red,
while listening to a Country or Christian tune or two.
I sing along just a little off key in my own little world
in a state of pure glee.
I sand it with grit, then I flame it a bit,
then varnish away the dullness of day.
The wood sparkles and shines after a coat of varnish or two.
This makes it look good to me and to you.
I box them with care and with a good measure of love,
and add this little message from the man up above.
Then I send them out for the world to view,
and I patiently wait for a review … maybe two.
What treasures, you ask, do I get from this task?
Is it money or gold or treasure untold?
The funds you folks pay keep the shop going each day.
But, the treasure I seek is the look in your eyes, when you take your first peek.
You look at the wood with its grain and exclaim “That looks pretty good!"
What more could I ask from a few sticks of wood?
Then you take it outside and place bird feed inside.
The birds they come and they eat and they TWEET.
Oh, the pleasures we share, as we watch them out there.
Then a few words I do send, with care , to a friend.
God’s message is clear for HE told us to share.
This feeder you see, built with tender loving redneck care,
was built just for you, by God… and by Me.
Written by
Joe Patterson 12/22/05
Birth of A Sportsman
It starts out as an invite to try a little fishing.
The dad brings his little boy along just for kicks.
Poles are rigged, hooks baited and lines are cast out.
Then the magic begins as dad hunkers down to help his son fish.
With a few words of wisdom like hold the pole like this and watch your bobber and when the bobber goes under jerk like this and turn the crank like that…
The bobber disappears, Dad sets the hook, then lets the little hands take control and the transformation begins.
The fish tugs and the boy tugs back. Dad helps to hold the pole and whispers advice and directions as his son cranks in his first keeper
Pictures are taken with smiles all around.
Congratulations and praises abound.
The little boy has just taken his first steps to becoming a man and looks at dad and says…”Let’s do it again!”
A Sportsman is born….
5/21/2007
By Joe Patterson for Buddy Bob and Dominic…..buddies for life
SNOOPY
A few weeks ago my Nephew Ricky got a pure bred beagle puppy for his soon to be kids of his soon to be wife from his soon to be father in law. It was a tricolor male but the colors weren’t classic beagle. I asked Rick if there were any other pups left from that litter and He said he’d check on it.
A few days later Ricky called me back and said there was indeed one more puppy left and that I could have it for $25.00. That’s really cheap for a pure bred beagle so we tried to scrounge up the money. The next day I got another call from Ricky and was told the puppy was free because his soon to be father in law was going to and I quote, ”send it to puppy heaven”.
When I asked why would he kill a puppy I was informed the puppy Ricky got was the pick of his litter and he kept that puppy inside. The puppy he was going to kill was neglected for its 17 week life. It was in the kennel with three other dogs and the only human contact it had was when the Father in law fed and watered it twice a day. It had no social experience and was useless and if I wanted it I could have it free. If I didn’t want the puppy he was going to kill it the next day. I said sure bring it over and let me see him.
The next day Ricky brought the puppy over and set him in my lap. The poor dog looked like a half starved, run down, really old dog . There was no “spark” in him and he just sat where ever he was put and in what ever position you put him in and shook with fear. He was all out of proportion. His ribs stuck out. His nose looked long and the skin just hung on the sides. His legs were long and thin and wobbly with really long claws. He was the right tricolor tan, brown and white classic beagle though but he looked like he had one foot in the grave and really didn’t care if he lived or not. He didn’t act like any puppy. No spunk, No tail wag, no spark in his eyes, He was in sad shape. To add insult to injury they had called Him Bob!
My first instinct was to let them take him back and put him out of his misery. Jeremy ran right out and bought a leash, collar, chain, puppy food and even a chew toy. Jeremy had his doubts too but he showed the incentive to give this puppy a chance. I knew I had to honor Jeremy’s initiative and give this Pup a chance too. My mind was saying, “Oh boy this is just a set up to a big let down when the puppy don’t work out.” My heart was saying” Man we have been wanting another beagle for bunny hunting for years but couldn’t afford one. Here he is , for free, a pure bred, and maybe, just maybe, he might shape up. Besides, They are going to kill the poor thing if we don’t take him in. I got to many memories of dogs we’ve had to put down now in my head and I really don’t need to add another!”
Well the first thing we did was feed the poor bugger and love the hell out of him. We tied him up to a chain and he just went under the porch and laid there. We tried the leash and he just lock up his feet and you had to drag him on his butt! Jeremy gave him a bath , much to the puppies displeasure, and out came this beautiful beagle bawl that touches the heart of every bunny hunter. It only took a suggestion to have the pup sleep with Jeremy on Jeremy’s bed. It was a rough first night but we made it through without a mess in his room.
Jeremy took him outside, tied him up, fed and watered him, and went to school. I watched him through the picture window as he just sat or laid there watching the goings on around him and totally content to be outside. I thought, OH OH we got us a kennel dog that will bark all night if we leave him out. WE must make him a inside dog or we will never sleep. Later I went out and hooked him to a leash and tried to get the puppy to follow on the leash. Nope he locked up all fours sat on his ass and I had to drag him to me. So I put him between my feet on the scooter and away we went. He just sat there as we cruised the neighborhood. I thought maybe I can take him for rides with me. Might not ever hunt but we got a new pet.
That night the family had to pick a name for him. The puppy was starting to show a little spunk and was snooping here and snooping there and being as he was a snoopy dog, I offered “SNOOPY” as my vote. Amy liked the name Bob because she said we could call him bob the beagle like bob the builder, Jeremy was undecided and Marla seconded my vote. It didn’t take a whole lot of persuasion to sway Jeremy’s vote to our side so Our new half grown pup was named Snoopy.
It took a week of keeping The pup on the chain, dragging him on the leash, driving him around on my scooter, feeding him constantly , always loving him up and calling his new name during the day plus having him sleep with Jeremy at night before he even started to stop being so skittish and shy of us. We had to corner him to even touch him. He still
never even wagged his tail, but he was looking like a real puppy and filling out and wasn’t shaking in fear any more!
I finally ventured taking him off his hated chain and he started following me around the yard without the leash. He made so much progress in two weeks we couldn’t believe the difference! As long as Boots, our really old , really faithful Lab retriever, was with us we could go anywheres up the road or along the lake and the puppy would run along beside her . Boots doesn’t rally care for the new puppy but tolerates him. The same goes for the cat but the puppy loves em both and after a couple swats really respects the cats space!
I got a sock and tied it to a rope and Snoopy instantly started to chase it. I played the dog version of tug of war with him and teased him as he jumped to get it and spun in circles to chase it like a cat as I swung it around him. I got a bottle of rabbit scent , put it on the play sock and started teasing him with it and he snatched it up and wouldn’t let go! I got it away from him and started to drive away at high speed on the scooter dragging it behind me but he caught it up in his mouth and ran along side of me. I didn’t need a leash anymore. All I heeded was the sock on a rope and he’d carry it beside me anywhere I wanted to go.
This is the third week. Snoopy has grown physically, emotionally, and mentally . He went from a rag tag , run down throw away to an almost normal beagle puppy. He has that great bawl of a voice and is using it now freely. His tail wags when ya play with him and he will let you reach out and pet him without crouching in fear of your hand. He still is indifferent and ya sometimes have to catch him and he only half the time comes when called and he aint totally potty trained yet, but hey its only been three weeks!
I have seen him point a mourning dove. I have had him bawl in glee while chasing the sock. We didn’t tie him up anymore. He follows Boots anywhere we go. He loves to run beside Boots on our daily run to the corner and back. Everyone in the family has taken turns retrieving various articles of clothing from him as he grabs them up and proudly marches out the door with them! He sleeps the whole night through beside Jeremy on Jeremy’s bed. He bawls at anything that moves outside. I think He just might make it! He sleeps a little weird on his side with his hind feet pointed straight up in the air on, his new found favorite daytime sleeping spot, our couch. Its amazing what a little puppy and puppy food, and a lot of love and attention can accomplish. We wouldn’t give our Snoopy up for the world !
Joe Patterson 5/12/07
Ps : Now He’s chasing Bunnies! Yeeeehaw We got us a bunny dog